I found I had a lot of time on my hands when the girls left for their new home. Not in the beginning because the mind protects. They could have been at the kennel or being groomed...but slowly your mind says, ‘they are gone’. I was trying to keep everything balanced so that when I talked to them it was all good stuff. But it was only natural to start to miss the little things. There was no one to say goodbye to, no faces in the window when I returned home, no footprints in the kitchen.
I am not one much for distractions. I want to get through the process of grieving, I want to feel bad and nothing is going to make me feel good, so why bother looking for validation elsewhere? No one else understands your grief, even if they have been through similar event, because loss is in intimate thing and only you own it.
I worked through the little challenges throughout the day, but every once in a while I needed a break, to get out of the house with a shopping list or something. The only problem with leaving the house was….leaving the house. It made it plain my girls were no longer with me. (I had a practice of whenever I left, every time I left, I would kiss each dog, tell them I loved them and that I would be back.) So just stepping out was a reminder.
Coming back to the house, the return, was even more brutal. The familiar tightness in my chest would begin as soon as the house came into view, followed by the stinging eyes and the quickened pace….nobody wants to fall apart right there on the street. That was not for public display. I did that in the privacy of my home, (I’m not a stoic griever) where I could slobber and gasp about the house all I wanted, maybe hugging one of Vision’s toys. Whatever it takes right? Just get through the grief with most of your mind intact.
It was a slow thing, moving from there to here. As it always is with a loss. But the days go by and I hear from Herb and June about what the girls did, how in love they are with Vision and Echo because you know, according to them those girls are the smartest dogs they have ever had, and certainly the most beautiful! And loving? Well, they just ooze love! ‘The girls really understand when we talk to them! They are truly a gift!’ Herb and June told me. They call them their Angels. June called me to tell me, though she never met me in person, she loved me…because I had sent her her Angels.
Those are some heavy duty healing words. I didn’t think anyone could love Vision and Echo as much as I did. But maybe I was wrong. I was so busy thinking about what I lost, I forgot to look at what my beloved girls gained.
Now, the girl’s world is filled with even more love…and so is someone else’s. Maybe it wasn’t the worst thing I had ever done. Maybe it wasn’t all about me from the beginning. Maybe it was all about love.