You might be wondering where I have been the last months. Well, I was rebooting my life so to speak. A situation had been in the making for months, I had seen all the signs but tried to remain blissfully ignorant – right up until it smacked me in the head.
I had been hoping things would remain the same. I enjoyed the Status Quo for the most part. Not too much thought had to go into what I did every day, it was minimum risk to my mental state, whatever that may be, and I knew what to expect to a certain degree. Did I mention it was comfortable? We all love comfort, that safe and warm cup of hot chocolate we sip from time to time to keep our sanity, to keep our world as we know it, to indulge in the fantasy that our lives are stable. It is a silly notion of course. Life is energy. And energy is in constant motion; whether we want it to be or not.
Now, as I said, I saw it coming. I had received plenty of signs. For over eighteen months I knew what I had to do, but I sipped my hot cocoa, muttering to myself how things would get better, it would not have to go the way I was shown…after all, I am occasionally wrong…especially when I have laced my hot chocolate with Baileys. Everything looks good when you are sipping Baileys and hot chocolate. Nothing has changed, mind you, but it looks damn fine.
It was this last May. I did something I said I would NEVER do. I re-homed my beautiful girls, Vision and Echo, my seven year old Leonberger dogs. Try as I might I could not escape the position I was in no matter how I tried to change it, no matter how I begged and prayed to be delivered from the decision. I got mad, sad and desperate…but in the end it was my love for them that brought peace.
This was not instantaneous. It took a while, hence my MIA status. And there was the grieving to go through. But I knew I had done the right thing.
These things are not an overnight decision of course, and I had looked for homes for months but either I didn’t care for the home or the girls didn’t quite fit in enough. I consulted my little check list during and after interviews. The new home had to be special, and, more importantly, the girls had to be special for the new guardians. I did not want them to get lost among others in the house. I wanted them to have active lives for the time they would remain earthbound and the guardians should have the finances and emotional awareness to take care of them properly in the girls’ senior years. Above all else, I wanted to find someone who knew they were receiving a great gift, a gift I had happily and selfishly kept for my very own all these years. I NEEDED Vision and Echo to be cherished.
Even as I worked at the problem, in the back of my mind, I still awaited the miracle that would keep them with me. We had lost their mom, Ammulett, in November, at ten years old and the thought of living without dogs in my home was mind-numbing. So I started to look for a way out. I mean really working at it. On one sunny afternoon, I hear myself making a little deal. Maybe I could keep one of the girls? Yeah, that might work…
On the surface it sounded plausible. One can stay and one will find a new home…sip, sip, sip.
Just when I began congratulating myself on my cleverness, I hear a voice in my head say, ‘Choose one’.
I looked at the girls laying on the floor, stupefied at the ridiculous idea of telling one they had to go, and realized I could not do that. How would I say, ‘you may stay, but you must go.’? They took their first breath in my hand. Suddenly, the idea one of them being out there in the world alone, floating about without her sister anchor and wondering why I sent her away was monstrous. I physically could not breathe at the thought.
I stopped bargaining. I stopped begging. In the end I decided it was better if I were the one alone, not one of them. That is what loves requires sometimes, the letting go. They had to be re-homed together.
A week later, the right people came to me through some friends. They insisted on taking the girls together and they would be the only dogs in the house. It was a spiritual home, just like mine, butted up to a wildlife preserve. They had been looking for awhile for just the right fit. It was a perfect match.
It was step one and no longer an abstract idea. It was real. My girls would soon be leaving me. A life without dogs….I brushed the thought away. Plenty of time for tears later.
I had to somehow make this an exciting new adventure for them. If I did not believe, they would not believe. You can tell a dog anything, but if it is not the truth in your heart, it is not the truth. They read energy better than body language, at which they are the masters.
As for me, getting into the right headspace was going to require a little work.